I told my daughter I’d volunteer this morning at her school and didn’t. Instead I took a nap and am writing on my laptop, drinking Starbucks iced-coffee with milk. As she got ready for school she reminded me over and over again, “Mom, you promised to volunteer! You have to be there!” She expressed enough times how much she wanted me there. I took a nap instead. I didn’t leave for work, I didn’t clean the house, I didn’t cook breakfast, I just went back to sleep.
And my good ole’ friend “Mommy Guilt” creeps up on me, again, and tells me what a horrible, lazy mother I am.
She tells me that my child will remember this moment forever and stop being accountable for her actions by saying, “Well my mommy once promised me she’ll volunteer at my school and never showed up.”
She’ll think it’s okay not to keep promises and blame me for her lack of responsibility and accountability, and this’ll lead to all sorts of issues and one day she’ll be sitting in her therapist’s room talking about that ONE DAY when her mommy didn’t show up to school….
See how real and detailed Mommy Guilt is? I know she’s completely irrational, a total bitch and probably stems from the remnants of my perfectionist upbringing but still, she’s real…
And this morning she refuses to leave and just sits there, laughing at me, reminding me of what an imperfect mother I am. And it sucks and I don’t know how I can find a happy medium sometimes. I try to push her away, and tell myself that I have another day, another chance to explain, love and make it up to her but this damn Mommy Guilt is real and she needs to f*king get lost.
I need to divorce this chick, for real.
So I’m still sitting here, dealing with my good ole’ friend Mommy Guilt for taking a nap instead of volunteering for my child’s class like I promised. I haven’t been to the gym this week, still have yet to eat breakfast- because I feel lazy- and frankly, I’m just so tired these days due to my husband’s crazy work schedule and weekends that are jam packed with Korean school and church obligations.
I yearn for the day I can sleep past 7 am, but that day won’t come for awhile- so instead I squeeze in extra sleep once the kids go to school, before I begin writing and editing. Is this okay? Why do I feel like by now, I should have a set schedule and routine that works EVERY.SINGLE.DAY?
I’m usually on a routine not because I like to, but because I HAVE to- and I find myself coming back to this moment where I’m just sitting here in my pajamas, drinking iced coffee and feeling like complete mommy failure. It’s not like I’m dealing with Postpartum issues. My kids are like, 10 and 8.
How do you mommas deal with these moments? Do you find yourself here too? Does your routine work every single day or should we be more forgiving and allow ourselves to be lazy and unproductive sometimes?
Please share and help me to tune out this evil voice. Ack, she’s real.