I always wanted three children. Two girls, one boy; my ideal family. I know deep down inside that this is what I always dreamed of but something stops me. It’s a hint of fear and anxiety about the unknown as well as the things I know all too well.
Like spending a whole year without my favorite foods like wine & sushi, giving up beauty treatments like deep tissue massage, hair color & all other procedures that are deemed unsafe for pregnant women. Things like feeling stuck in my pregnant body, gaining weight, lacking sleep, unexplainable backaches and dull headaches, random breakouts, uncontrollable hormones, the heaviness in my chest, the shortness of breath, the thinning hair, the millions of big and small changes my body goes through. Most importantly, forgoing feeling like a woman and being entirely consumed by motherhood for another 2-3 years, then about 80% of the time thereafter.
Yes I can have occasional sushi, quit writing and find a full-time job elsewhere that pays consistent income with benefits and 401K. Or I can hire a nanny or send my children to daycare, and ask hubby to watch the kids while I splurge on occasional spa days and girl’s nights — but I know too well that these options are not for me. I can’t quit writing, I can’t leave my children with a nanny- especially not my child with a seizure disorder. It took me too many sleepless nights of worry, regret and fear to get here and I can’t stop now.
Some of my friends go through pregnancy and childrearing with so much ease that I wonder if something is wrong with me. They seem to breeze right through motherhood with multiple children with little tears and problems with their husband. I wish I was one of them, but sadly I’m not.
On the flip side, there’s so much beauty and charm in motherhood that it never stops looking enticing.
Like looking into the ultrasound screen in awe as the doctor points to a fetus that looks like a lima bean and saying “look, there is your healthy baby, see that heart beating?” Then excitedly waiting for the gender reveal, shopping for cute baby clothes, decorating the nursery, eating for two without the usual guilt, not having to worry about maintaining an ideal weight because pregnant curves are most beautiful, radiating pregnancy glow wherever I go and surfing the web for that perfect baby name for my child.
Then there is that moment in the Labor and Delivery room, seconds after your baby comes out when the whole world stops and nothing else matters. That perfect supernatural and metaphysical moment when it’s just you and your child in the whole universe, when you feel your heart expand a thousand ways every minute; that moment when you forget all about the pain as you hold your newborn in your arms for the first time and think, wow so this is what it feels like…
Then there is that moment in the Labor and Delivery room, seconds after your baby comes out when the whole world stops and nothing else matters. That perfect supernatural and metaphysical moment when it’s just you and your child in the whole universe, when you feel your heart expand a thousand ways every minute; that moment when you forget all about the pain as you hold your newborn in your arms for the first time and think, wow so this is what it feels like…
When you suddenly become more aware of God’s plans, the miracles of conception and birth and the magic created in your own body for the past 10 months. Then your baby starts crying and your bare breasts start leaking colostrum and your baby latches on as it knows exactly what to do without ever being taught.
The miracle, the overflowing love, the beauty behind the pain…
In that moment you realize you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, and the feeling of overwhelming love, gratitude and happiness is so grand and unprecedented that there are no ways to capture the waves of emotions you feel. You wish you can write it down, but really can’t and you just feel so blessed that you’re able to experience the miracle of giving birth to another soul.
I miss the baby touch, the smell, the first words, the first walk, the babble, the smiles, the songs and bedtime kisses but these moments pass by too quickly and everyday passes too slowly. It’s beautiful yet so difficult, so exhausting but joyous all at the same time.
I miss the baby touch, the smell, the first words, the first walk, the babble, the smiles, the songs and bedtime kisses but these moments pass by too quickly and everyday passes too slowly. It’s beautiful yet so difficult, so exhausting but joyous all at the same time.
Then comes lifelong motherhood. The sacrifices, the joys, the tears, the proud performances, the sleepless nights, the physical pain, the emotional pain from watching your little one in physical pain, the pretty little things, the hurts, the sacrifices, sacrifices, and sacrifices.
Today I know every sacrifice I made for my two children were and are worth every minute. But can I do it all over again in a world where money is a necessity, time is of value and hardship is inevitable, where every child adds to the demands, costs and pressure of parenthood?
Can I do it all over again when there is so much I want to do, so much I want to accomplish not only as a mother but as a woman and writer? Can I add another child to all that I am responsible for today, tomorrow and thereafter?
I know some people say don’t think about it too much. Just do it. But how do I just do something that requires so much work, planning, sacrifice and responsibility? How will I divide my time for my husband, two children, my work and writing?
I thought about this a lot and am still left without an answer. Going from one to two wasn’t difficult but going from two to three feel so different. I can’t say I’m ready to completely throw out my pre-motherhood dreams, but I also know motherhood is a lot more different and costly than I envisioned. And today my two daughters need me- all of me- and I’m not sure if I can expand myself to another child.
For the first time in ten years, I want to be selfish about my dreams and my plans, and I don’t know how I can fit another baby into that selfish dream.
I wish I knew how but am still unsure. My womanly clock is ticking and it demands an answer.
(*Update: Less than a year later, I found myself pregnant with a third child. I left it up to chance, or God, and it happened all too easily like it was meant to be. You can read more about it here.)
Thank you so much for opening up about your life. As a mommy of a beautiful special needs baby and woman thinking of having another little one, your thought and perspective are appreciated.
I’m glad you can relate! I love connecting with other moms who can understand the love and trials of parenting a special needs child. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you!
such honest and touching words. I can’t tell you how many times I wonder about our 3rd. Did I dive in without thinking of what I was getting myself into? When will I be able to write again? When will I feel like a woman again? When will I sleep a full nights rest? But then I look at my baby and those thoughts dissipate. My husband jokes that he wants a 4th bc he wants another boy but for me as of now, I am DONE. From your honest and powerful posts I can tell you are rocking motherhood while slinging your dreams over your shoulder. Whether you go for 3 or not I’m sure you’ll continue to be awesome =) Keep us updated!
Thank you Joy! Yes you’re so right- I AM rocking motherhood- or at least I would like to think so- because why else would I want another child? As hard as it is, it’s so fulfilling, rewarding and babies are so cuddly and precious I really want another one! I wish I can just stop thinking about it and go for it. When time is right and God allows, hopefully one day all will fall into place. 🙂
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I am currently battling the same decision. I have one wonderful 4.5 year old daughter with special needs and all of the sleepless worry and physical demands involved in caring for her have weighed heavily on my 35-going-on-65-year old body. I don’t think I have it in me to have another soul to love and worry about so deely in this world. My plate feels full, but my husband’s doesn’t.. and everywhere I turn someone is telling me to have another. Sigh.
If you feel you can’t handle another one at this time, you probably shouldn’t. I think you know best. I know many others who have 3+ kids and can do it with such ease but I know I’m not. Raising two children back to back was so hard and I felt something was wrong with me because I had severe post partum depression and I wasn’t "happy." Looking back, God gave me two back to back for a reason but another one? People tell me I should try for a boy next but honestly, I’ll be the one raising him/her and I’m fine with two for now. Raising a special needs child is no easy task. Sometimes one is more than enough.
I felt that too for a long time. Having another child is a HUGE decision, especially with a special needs child! Now that I’m pregnant with my third, I have no choice but to face my fears head on…and so far, it’s going great!
Best wishes to you and your family. xo
My son is almost 4 and the only child. He is special needs as well. My husband and I always wanted 3-4 kids, even after we realized our son’s limitations. I would love for him to have a sibling, but thoughts such as, ‘Can I handle another one while taking care of my son?’, ‘Will I have another child with special needs?’ My son doesn’t sleep very well, so to add another baby in the mix with the frequent middle of the night feedings seems impossible. And yet, my momma heart would love to hold a baby again. Mine.
But my plans are (usually) not God’s plans. He has not allowed me to conceive in the 3+ years my husband and I have been trying. Secondary Infertility. Even with fertility treatments right now, they aren’t working. So, just when I thought I could pop out another one any time I wanted, God says ‘no’. Something to think about, because I got pregnant with my son so easily, I never imagined myself in this situation.
With the blog re-design, I was able to rediscover this old comment from last year. How are you doing now April? I hope you and your son are doing well. So since I wrote this post, many things have changed. I’m not pregnant with my third! You’re right, it’s all in God’s hands because this happened without much planning. Now I realize why, I think I needed to let go of the fear, anxiety and just let things be. We’re excited to be expecting a third but also a little nervous about all the changes it will bring to our family. Having a special needs oldest definitely changes the family dynamic in many ways. But I’m happy to be going for it! Hope you and your hubby are able to grow your family! 🙂
Hey Angela. Since you asked, and since I agree that we do seem to have quite a bit in common (btw, my dream family also included 3 kids – girl, boy, girl, although I ended up having boy, girl, boy – ah well), I’ll share my two cents. I got pregnant with my third at 35 and gave birth shortly after turning 36. Maybe because we had no problems conceiving any of our kids, had two very healthy children already, and were surrounded by friends having children (some, their first) at my age or even older, I didn’t worry too much about the health risks. Our youngest was born healthy too, so I guess God rewarded my confidence. In hindsight, the things I should’ve (but couldn’t have known to) consider before having a third included the following: (1) DH and I would be crazed and outnumbered 24-7, no matter how good we THOUGHT we were at juggling kids and responsibilities; (2) the more children we had, the less attention, money and time we could invest/devote to each individual child (and supporting or fostering his/her talents, hobbies, pursuits and learning), which makes me feel sorry to each of them; (3) there will come a time when I somehow have to drive one child to and from high school, another to and from middle school, and another to and from elementary school, all at the SAME time; (4) DH and I will be in our late 50’s, early 60’s by the time they’re all graduated from college (i.e., when we finally get to live for ourselves a little, travel, etc.); and last but not least, (5) I’d be changing diapers for TEN years STRAIGHT at the end of it all. I’m sure there are other considerations but these came to mind first. As for pregnancy, like you, I didn’t breeze through or enjoy it all that much either. (See http://www.anitacatchmybreath.com/reasons-sterilization-pregnancy-peeves/). But, ALL THAT BEING said, we wouldn’t trade our youngest FOR THE WORLD. We adore him. He has the biggest personality and the most self-confidence (as many last-borns do) and brings so much joy, fun, laughter and entertainment to our family. So, you do you. Whatever you decide, it will be a good decision with good reason behind it. Good luck! xoxo