My Postpartum Diary (Part 3)

postpartum-depression-mommy-diaryMarch 9, 2007 around 5 am

Week 8

I think I may need professional help. I’ve been feeling depressed, hopeless then immensely guilty for feeling this way. I haven’t slept for more than 3-4 hours in 2 months. I’m so tired. I feel like there is a gray cloud over my head that follows me everywhere. That Zoloft commercial is real. My mind feels foggy and cannot rest. I felt a little better after talking to my mom, which is how I’m able to gather my thoughts to write in this journal.

Earlier today, I put the detergent and fabric softener in the wrong places and forgot to start the washer. Then I was having lunch with DH and a friend and suddenly started feeling “weird.” It’s really hard to explain how I feel in these moments but I just don’t feel like myself. When I feel this, it hurts. It’s weird but it hurts- sometimes so much that I can’t stop crying.

Now looking back at my journal entries, I feel I may be suffering from depression but I’m still reluctant to seek help. It’s shameful. I feel so guilty. What’s wrong with me?

March 9, 2007 3:20 pm

Week 8

DH couldn’t go to work because of me today. My breakdowns are getting pretty bad and I hate being left alone with both kids. I’m on my way to Nightingale to seek counseling. I hope it helps me. I’m nervous about what awaits me.

I feel bad for DH. Even though I often get angry at him, I know he’s one of the reasons why I’m here. I do truly love him and thank God that he’s by my side. I know I’m hurting him these days and I feel horrible.

March 10, 2007

Week 10

I went to see a therapist. She says I need to get some sleep- make it my number one priority. It was helpful, although I don’t know how I can find time to go there with these kids.

On a prescription note, she wrote 9-10 hours of sleep in the next 24 hours. How can I sleep like that? DH works every day and I have no help.

March 11, 2007

Week 10

Everyday is a struggle. I have no strength to keep my eyes open and no desire to go on. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I tell my family that I’m tired and have no strength to go on, but no one seems to understand the severity of my suffering. I have a bloody nose every other day these days.

These emotional ups and downs are killing me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know what I’m experiencing is postpartum depression but this instability and anxiety are so isolating. It drives me insane. I feel like my brain has halted to a stop and my body has run out of fuel. I no longer have the strength or energy to be positive, try harder or look forward to the future.

The weird thing though, is that I absolutely love and adore my daughters. I never think about hurting them in any way, although I do wish to run away sometimes.

March 14, 2007

Week 11

Maybe today is the 15th, I don’t even know anymore. Everything’s a big blur these days and I’m in pain every passing moment. I don’t know what time it is right now, nor do I care. Maybe it’s about 2’O clock in the morning. I’m so overwhelmed I feel like I’m gonna burst. I’m tired of waking up every night to feed her and I’m tired of doing it all alone. I’m so restless and my mind is always racing, especially when I’m frustrated like right now.

I don’t think anyone will understand this pain, it’s so raw and real. I feel so bad for my daughters. I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t help it. I wish I can, but I can’t. I hate to have to turn to medication but I don’t think I have a choice. I feel like shit. This journey of battling PPD is a long, difficult one. I’m so tired. I just want to check out.

March 15, 2007 (11:12 am)

Week 11

I just saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. Every professional I see tells me that I’m suffering from postpartum depression. I’m learning new things about depression that I didn’t know before.

First of all, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and genetically predisposed so I really don’t have much control over my illness. Everyone I talk to say that I’m a strong person and that I’ve endured a lot. They say I should’ve been treated sooner. They say it’s an illness just like heart disease and diabetes but I still can’t help but to feel guilty from suffering from this disease. I wish it’ll go away. I wish I can feel normal and happy again.

My children are too perfect and too beautiful for me to be like this. My mom tells me to turn to God for help and guidance but frankly, I don’t feel too close to him these days.

In fact I don’t feel close to anyone these days.

Read part 4

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