January 21, 2007 @9:46 pm
My back hurts a lot and I feel frustrated. I feel ugly, fat and crappy. I don’t fit into any clothes I own and don’t want to continue wearing maternity clothes. I want to get out, get my hair done, go shopping, get some nice clothes and just feel good about myself. But I can’t, because I have no one to help with T. My mom is busy taking care of E and has her hands full already.
There’s this nursing gown that I wanted but couldn’t decide because of the price. I told DH not to buy it but was hoping he’ll get it anyway. I know it’s a lose-lose situation for him because he’s probably afraid that if he buys it, I’ll end up getting upset for wasting money. But I can’t help but to think about it over and over again. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I upset over something so trivial?
February 16, 2007
DH wonders why I write in this journal whenever I’m angry or frustrated. It may look silly to some people but I really don’t have a choice. I have no one to talk to and no where to turn to. T is now a little over a month and things are tough. I’m not sleeping, still breastfeeding around the clock and having a hard time taking care of both kids. DH is so busy with work that I can’t really ask him and my mom is helping enough with E and cooking that I really can’t expect more.
We got into another fight today. We’ve been fighting so much these days that I lose track. I find myself growing more quiet with guilt. I find myself at a loss of words. What can I say or do? No one really seems to understand.
February 25, 2007
Week 6 (Onset of feelings of loneliness)
T is growing bigger by the day and she’s eating, sleeping and playing well. And she’s getting more beautiful with each passing day and I’m just so in love with her. E is spending more time with my parents because I have to take care of T. I feel bad at times for not spending as much time with her, but know she’s better off this way for now.
Things are good but tiring and I can’t help but to feel trapped and lonely. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I don’t have much I can do to relieve my frustration. DH falls asleep as soon as he comes home because he’s tired from work and I have to understand… Today he had company dinner with his co-workers, came home, and talked to me for less than 30 minutes before falling asleep.
We don’t share any interests anymore and there really isn’t much we can do together. I feel lonely and really have no one to talk to. I know I have to be strong for my daughters but I feel so intensely lonely these days…
February 26, 2007
I’m afraid I may be going through postpartum depression. Every day is filled with disappointment, feelings of betrayal and rage. I’m disappointed that motherhood and my ability of mothering is falling short. I feel betrayed by my parents, husband, friends, even myself. I’m constantly enraged at how incompetent I am as a mother, wife and daughter. As happy and grateful as I am of my two beautiful daughters and supportive family, I can’t help but to feel alone.
March 4, 2007 @7:25 pm
Week 8 (Onset of physical symptoms)
Time flies by these days. Everyday is so repetitive, without much excitement or interaction yet the clock manages to tick without sign of stopping.
I had a breakdown today. Can this be the onset of postpartum depression? I sure hope not. It was just another Sunday and first Sunday DH had off in two weeks. I wanted to get some air and leave the house but DH didn’t seem to want to go anywhere. He must be really tired from work.
Then T started crying with no sign of stopping and I was tired of holding her and consoling her. So I just fell onto the bed and let her cry. I couldn’t move. I felt like someone was choking me, preventing me from breathing. I just froze in a moment of despair and hopelessness and just laid there.
Out in the loft, I can hear DH reading a book to E. I can hear that everything is okay out there. And T just kept crying in her bassinet and her crying just got louder and louder. And I still couldn’t move. I’m not sure if I couldn’t move or didn’t feel like moving. Then I turned over, put my head down and started feeling dizzy. My head started spinning and T was still crying. And DH was still not too far from me but wouldn’t come in the room to see if everything is okay. He probably thinks it’s just one of those many crying spells that we’ve both grown accustomed to.
At that moment, in midst of T’s ceaseless crying I just lost it. I put my head down, buried my nose into the blanket, clenched the blanket into a ball in my first and started crying hysterically. I had finally lost my sanity and composure. DH came in asking what was wrong, but by then it was too late. I knew I had reached a place I didn’t want to reach.
DH looked taken back and told me not to take out my anger on him. He said to take it elsewhere. But who do I have? Where can I go? Who can I talk to? I felt like my heart and head were going to burst. I got ready and left the house. I wanted to go somewhere, far far away and never come back. I felt bad for my daughters but I had to leave.
I left the house ready to go anywhere, and as I was driving way from my house I realized I had no where to go. And of course, no one to call.
After driving around for a bit, I grabbed a cup of Starbucks, bought some magazines and went to get a manicure and pedicure as if it’s going to make me feel better. I walked out of the salon with freshly colored and trimmed nails but my heart still felt heavy. I came back home and felt like I couldn’t breathe again. I cried so much today and I still feel like crying some more.